Disconnection

"hi, how are you?"

"i'm fine."
"i'm ok."
"i'm good."

i lied.

i'm not fine. i'm not ok. i'm not good. but then again, ppl don't really need to know and sometimes i don't feel like talking about it because it's all about me anyway. i don't like talking about myself and my problems. it's all in my head. it's my personal demons. it's my problem.

so what's this all about? what is wrong? you want to know? you got it.

frankly, i really don't know. it seems to happen every term, or every 4 months. i get this rage inside. i get pissed over nothing. i feel frustrated, i have a short fuse. but, that isn't in the presence of ppl, in the presence of friends. i'm fine when i'm around them. sometimes when i talk to them online. i only get agitated, frustrated, angry when i'm alone, in my room, with the door closed.

what gives? why are you such an angry person?

beats me! how the hell should i know? i don't even know what it is that is bothering me. could it be that i can't get down to work? can't get started on homework, down with readings? is it relationships? is it envy for those in relationships, real or imagination (as in tv). is it ppl? friends?

what is it that i want? i always say that i'm looking for happiness. true happiness. is that what i'm really looking for? or is that just an illusion? will i ever be truly happy? time will tell.

what? why? why does this happen?

i just find myself wasting a lot of time doing nothing and it's not because i choose to. i just do it. i just sit and do nothing. earlier tonight i just cleared off my bed, and just laid there for a couple minutes staring up at the ceiling. why? beats me. i can't remember what i was thinking about. i roll over and i pass out for about 15mins. should've just went to bed for the rest of the night, otherwise i wouldn't be up at 4.30am writing this entry. heck, maybe this feeling would've passed by over the night. but i'm not sleeping, so i'm writing.

even earlier, when i had my afternoon class. it keeps ending half hr early. why do i complain about this? i don't. i just state it. so i had to kill time for an hr before the Badminton Club meeting. found Lorna and Sam on the 3rd floor of SLC. then Eric came along after his swim. didn't really talk much. it's suppose to be silent in there anyway. i was just there..again..wasting time.

Badminton Club meeting comes. i go in. why did i even go to it? i didn't pick up a registration form. all the info i already know. i just sat in there for 15mins and then walked out. waste of time again. i didn't even go to the first session tonight. i was gonna, but i changed my mind. i didn't feel like going. i just stayed in and watched episodes of Lost (which is a pretty good series right now).

when i was walking home from the meeting, i took my sweet time. i just didn't feel like i was in any rush, which i wasn't. i just felt..warmer, maybe a little peaceful. i felt like just lying down and just staring up in the sky. peace and quiet. but then, i felt so suicidal when i wanted to cross the street. so many cars, i couldn't cross. i was like..i wonder how it would feel if i was to walk infront of a moving vehicle. i dunno why this crossed my mind. but it did. like, HELLO? WTF?!

sometimes i just wonder. what the hell am i doing here? why? argh! i feel like screaming so loud. just let it out. too bad this ain't a soundproof room.

tomorrow's Peace of Heart cell group. it's about relationships, mainly a relationship with God (at least that's what i think it is..or it's having a relationship with someone with God being the central aspect of it). we have this application form-type-thing and from what i'm told, questions are kinda like, where are you with God and all that ish..and for me, i don't even know how to answer it. 'cuz really, i dunno where i am with God. i pray on occasion. i don't read the Bible enough. i don't go to church when i'm in Waterloo. i go to CCF on occasion as well. so, yeah. where am i with the Lord? i don't know. i'm not prepared to answer those questions. it's making me anxious.

oh man, i don't even want to get started with friendship stuff. there are some beef with some ppl. but i'm not gonna talk about it. i'm not sure if this person even reads my blog, or has found it. thus, i'm not even gonna mention it. forget it. all i know is that it's not what it used to be. things have completely changed and i feel like i don't even know this person anymore. is it my fault? maybe. partly. is it his/her fault? maybe. partly. am i worth it? is he/she worth it? i dunno. how am i suppose to make an effort, if he/she doesn't? what's the point?

too many things. too many thoughts.

the weekend has started. bloody hell.

"wooosaaaaahh"