The Dark Side

anger leads to dark side you, yes?

i haven't particularly enjoyed my Victoria Day thus far. although i didn't do anything productive today, i still was able to rest and do a bit of cleaning up of my room.

sometimes i wish i didn't have the life i lead today. it feels like a struggle everyday. yes, i know, life is a constant struggle and there are millions that lead a life worse than mine. so i should stop complaining about it.

it's just that my family frustrates me so much. they piss me off so much with how they treat everything. the things that come out of their mouths. sometimes i feel so uncomfortable around them, it's like living with a family i don't know. sometimes they're so self-absorbed, that they only think about themselves, and never say anything good about other ppl. sometimes i even feel that they don't even want me to have any fun of any kind. really i just want to be able to have a day where i can do whatever it is i want, without having them know what i'm doing.

tomorrow, i start working for my dad again, for 2 weeks, unless i get hired by Easter Seals Canada. the more i think about working for my dad, the more i don't want to work for him. sure it's money, and my dad's giving me a hand. but i just don't want to be there. i don't want to wake up early in the morning, go to work, and then go to my interview, and then go back to work. yes, my interview for Easter Seals is tomorrow. and i hope to get that job. i want to be able to experience a job where i'm not familiar with the surroundings, and i don't have anyone in my family looking over my shoulder. only once have i experienced that and it was with Loomis for about 2 months.

i feel as if my life is like that story about the butterfly that's trying to get out of its coccoon, but have been severely deformed because it had a helping hand in getting out. the butterfly wasn't as strong as it should be in the wild. that's how i kinda feel like. i don't think i was able to properly prepare for the "real world" because i've always had someone there looking out for me, like i've been hand fed.

any job away from family is an opportunity i want to take, i want to be able to experience the trials and tribulations of the real working world. get a promotion, get fired, laid off, whatever. knowing that i have family around only gives me security, and i know i don't have to work as hard to try and keep my job.

my sister offered to help me prepare for my interview tomorrow. i should ask her to help me soon, i guess. but i think i might know how it's gonna go. she'll interview me, and then just totally rip me apart and make me feel like shit and tell me how it's suppose to be done. thanks, but no thanks. i don't want to get pissed over that. like i dunno, right now, i just want to go, do the interview, be myself, and if God wills that i get the job, that's cool, if God wills that the job is not for me, so be it. He has something better for me.

*edit - 10.17pm* well, i was wrong. my sister was actually very helpful in preparing me for this interview. but i found that even when she was asking me the questions, i was nervous in answering them. she asked me, "Tell me about yourself" and i got nervous answering that. lol..that was the only question she asked me out loud. the rest of the questions were written down on a piece of paper and i wrote the answers on the paper as well. it's easier to answer questions on paper than with speech. anyway, hopefully the interview goes well tomorrow. :)

i feel blah. BLAH!

i'm not interesting to talk to right now.