This Is Where I Stand

on Thursday night, i went to this Association of Caribbean Students Octoberfete Jam. so the jam started at around 10pm, but i didn't go and meet up with with my friend Joanna until 11pm at the Bombshelter. by that time, the line was pretty long for the ppl that haven't bought a ticket. i tried to buy a ticket earlier in the day, but they were sold out. so if i wanted to get in i had to pay $7 at the door instead of $5. oh well! so the line was long, and yeah, at around 11.45pm-ish this guy stands up on a table and tells us that the system in the Bombshelter blew and to go to Fed Hall. what the heck, i waited in line for that? grrr!! everyone just flocked over there.

i waited for Joanna, who had gone in earlier to try and find another friend of ours, Yvonne to see if her boyfriend could get me in. so yeah, waited for them, and then headed over to Fed Hall. before we got there tho, Joey's stamp was still wet, so she gave me a really faint print. haha, so when i got to Fed Hall, i had to show the print. i was so worried that they wouldn't let me in 'cuz it was so faint, but security had to have a double-take on it, but let me in. haha..so i actually got in for free! SCORE! hahah.. a little later on, Vivian and her friends met up with us. it's been a while since us 4 been out together. for some reason, i've only made friends with ppl in my old program and no one really in my current program. huh..weird! *raises brow*

so yeah, the jam was alright. they played like a lot of Soca i think. it was really fast, and i never got into the mood to dance. it was too fast for me. towards the end of the night, it got a little better. i left with Joey and Yvonne at around 1.30am-ish i think.

however, when was at Fed, and like every other time i go to a jam or a club, i usually scan the dance floor! it's just a guy's nature to do that! i'm sure some girls do the same with guys!! haha. but anyway, yeah i saw some hot girls there of course, but i also saw a lot of skanks there too. like girls that like wore almost nothing. YUCK! anyway, some of the nice ones were on stage just dancing. and they were asian too! haha..ah, one really caught my eye, but she's probably not my type. :P anyway, i guess that's all i really have to say about that! haha.. :)

so, like every day, i go to sleep at around 4-4.30am-ish. i really don't know why i go to sleep that late. i just have ppl to talk to online oddly to say the least. but yeah, i just stayed up and chatted on ICQ/MSN and read some comics i have downloaded.

i finally read The Origin, which is a Wolverine comic. it tells the story of Wolverine's early days before he became Weapon X and had adamantium (for those who don't know what adamantium is, it's the metal that's bonded to his skeleton). so basically it's his childhood story, how his claws manifested, how he got his name Logan (which is not his real name!), and how he grew up. it's really interesting! :)

now i've started to read up on the Ultimate X-Men series. i think it's a pretty cool series, and i'm sure that the new X-Men Legends game is based on this series. the uniforms look the same, and the characters look young enough.

the one thing i've noticed about comics, and i'm sure that everyone have noticed it too, is that all the girls are like..super hot! like they have the "ideal" bodies for a girl. and the guys, if they're not suppose to be fat or something, they're mostly ripped, with pecks, and six-packs. what the heck maaaaaang? like the female loading screens for X-Men Legends..WOW! haha..they're eye openers! hahaha :P

anyway, friday was a typical day at school. class then lunch, then home. i actually took a nap 'cuz i was pretty exhausted. then there was CCF and a hockey practice afterwards. CCF was a worship/group prayer night. it was alright. the songs were mostly new to me, so i had to learn them, and the group prayer, i just kept silent 'cuz i'm uncomfortable with praying out loud. i dunno when i'll break out of that shell.

some ppl have assumed that i'm Christian. some ppl have asked me if i'm a Christian. some ppl have asked me if i'm a Christian yet 'cuz they know where i stand. some ppl are shocked when they find out that i'm a non-Christian and i don't know why. maybe 'cuz i go to church almost every Sunday.

i'm assuming that many of you think i'm a Christian because i attend church functions and whatnot, because i go to CCF, church, and cell groups. i'm involved in the least sense. however, to honestly say, i'm still a non-Christian. i haven't really "converted" yet. i'm still pretty much "sitting on the fence" and i have been for a while, actually a very long while.

i feel that i bring an atheist view to Christianity, because most of my Christian friends were raised in a Christian family. i, on the other hand, was brought up in an athiest family (although, my grandma is Christian and attends the same church as me, by coincidence, back home in Mississauga).

i'm still learning the Christian values, and what it really means. i'm still learning. i always ask myself questions, "How do you know if you're Christian? How would you when you'd convert? What makes you a Christian?" i really don't know! could i be a Christian now because i pray to God? i sing worship to God? i..um..somewhat read the Bible? and when i do these things i mean it. but do i believe it? sometimes when i read the word of God, it's unbelievable in the sense that i don't believe it because it's just so..unnatural, impossible.

i see, and i observe my Christian friends and i'm constantly amazed at how much they love God. how much they talk about him and how much He works in their lives. it's amazing. their stories and how God really worked in them. but i don't really see Him working in me. maybe i'm blind to it? i don't know. even if i were to say that i'm Christian today, i wouldn't know why. i wouldn't be able to give a testimony.

sometimes i wonder why i go to these church events. do i go just to socialize with my friends, to be with my friends? i really hope that it isn't the case because really, i first started to go because i had an interest in learning about this religion. i wanted to know what my Christian friends at school saw in Jesus and why they love Him so much. little by little, i was learning and i still am. but i still don't fully understand yet. but dont' get me wrong, my friends at church are great! i love them all. i've made some really good close friends there and i'm able to just ask them questions about their faith and God. i just don't think i'm ready to lay down my life to him just yet.

i just need time. i just hope that ppl just don't judge me, or look at me differently because of what i have just said. i'm still the same person. i just thought it was important to let ppl know where i am, in terms of my faith. everyone has a different way in interpreting, in expressing faith. and i guess this is the way i am expressing my faith. i realize that some of you guys may have questions for me, and you might feel that i'm avoiding the issue, but most of the time, i really don't have an answer because i really don't know and i hope that you can accept that.

i'm not there yet, but there is a God.

and He's today's superhero.