Personal Demons

coming clean...sort of..

*important notice*

i think i need to get his off my chest. this may be a long venting entry and i don't know if i'll cover everything that's on my mind. i'm not gonna say who this is about, or who this person may be. so no names, and don't even ask.

i doubt this is what i have been struggling with for the past while, but i could be wrong. it could be a partial. i've actually thought about this for a very very long time and i think it's about time i open my heart on this issue.

if ppl can figure out who it is i am talking about, please keep it to yourself, don't talk about it with others, and don't comment in the comment section. it would be greatly appreciated. if you want to say something, please direct it towards me via ICQ, MSN, or email because if i find it in the comments section, it will be deleted.

so here goes *sigh*....


i feel you used me. all those years we've known each other. funny how we met. maybe in the beginning we were acquaintances. became better friends as a result of spending a lot of time togther as a group. became better friends as a result of talking to each other a lot online. became better friends as we talked about relationship woes/problems. we shared everything with each other (well, almost everything) and now we can't even have a decent conversation. it's all small talk. it's like we barely know each other anymore. you were my best friend, now you seem nothing more than an acquaintance to me. i don't know you anymore. it seems to have come full circle.

why?

all those years. we spent so much time together. now in hindsight, i ask myself. how strong was our relationship, our friendship? why did i spend so much time with you? why did you hang out with me so much? why did i go over to YOUR place so much? why did i put you first?

i guess i went over to your place and put you first 'cuz i liked you. i even told you, but you never reciprocated. you strung me along, maybe even unconsciously. but even then, if you didn't like me in that way, why did you let me get too close to you. so close that i thought you may have felt the same way about me. that i'll never know. maybe you liked the closeness we had, but longed for it with someone else. but why did you have to do that to me?

i still can't believe this happened. i thought our friendship was strong. we had a lot of history. maybe it wasn't as strong as i thought it was. maybe the friendship was based on me liking you, and you wanting someone to be there with you. a companion i guess. it could've been anyone else. but why was it me? was it because i was always available? man, i wasted so much time on you. i could've done something else. i could be a different person.

i was your friend. you were my friend. then things changed when i finally confessed to you..again. things got really weird. stopped talking to you. i couldn't talk to you.

why?

i'll tell you why. i stopped 'cuz i needed space again. i couldn't believe this was happening again. it was a piece of my heart i'll never get back again. ever. my faith in relationships was shattered again and i feel as if i'll never know what it will feel like to really like/crush on someone again without second-guessing myself.

i still remember the talk about potentials. i thought i'd be a perfect candidate. i was your friend, and we've known each other for a couple years. cool. but no, something practically the opposite happens.

hey, maybe i was jealous then, but i was also ecstatic and happy for you now, even to this day. i'm glad you found someone that you truly like and is treating you right. really, i am. but now, it seems as if i'm not even a priority in your life. we don't do the things we used to do. but then i do understand the other aspect of being in a relationship. you just can't forget your friends. that's one lesson i learned in my only relationship, and i hope i never make the same mistake again.

so now, why must i always make the first move to ask you to do something? i don't want to hear the excuse that i'm in Waterloo and that you never know when i'll be back. that's garbage. if you even took the time to talk to me, you'd know when i was back, or when i will be coming back. you have my number here and in Waterloo. hey, finals are done now, i'm back. i've msged you, but i got nothing in return. you should know that Waterloo almost always finishes before everyone else.

anyway, yes, i know i'm being hypocritcal when i say that you rarely talk to me. i don't msg or call you much either. but i have my reasons. what are yours? i don't know. too busy with school? sorry, no one is too busy with school to take a couple minutes out to talk to an old friend, yet, a "best friend."

i did so much for you. i was there for you when you needed someone to talk to. i was there for you when you didn't want to go somewhere alone, even as awkward as i felt. what did i get in return? it's funny that ppl have told me this very fact. it's just funny, now that you're out of the picture and i look back at what we have been through, i finally see what they see. when they say that "love is blind," i believe it now. i was whipped without even being in a relationship. how pathetic is that?

but if for some reason, your relationship does not work out. don't come back to me, wanting to spend a lot of time with me because it won't happen. i'll make sure of it. i will make time for you, but not all of my time, i do have other things going on in my life. i not as naive as i was a yr or 2 ago. i've learned my lesson, and this ship has sailed, so to speak.

so i ask: can this friendship be mended? or is this it? i truly hope that this friendship can be ressurrected. i apologize if this entry has offended you in any way, but this is what is in my mind, in my heart. so forgive me.

so, is it worth it? am i worth it? i'm ready to move forward.

it's your move.