Outsider...

apparently, i was inaccurate when announcing the results of the hammer game at D&B's in my last post. the actual standings were: B - 95, Silas - 91, Joel - 88, and Letty - 33. Spideymang regrets the error. sorry for the inconvenience.

hahha..

aaaaanyway..i've noticed that my blog has always seemed to be about what i did, and not what i'm thinking. nothing here has anything to do with my own thoughts really. i usually just plaster on what i've done at whatever time..i guess the blog can be used like that too, but it can also be used to be a stress reliever, a discussion forum, or just to put down some deep thoughts; stuff that's been bothersome....

now, if that were the case, to write down everything that has been bothersome to me, well this blog wouldn't be too great. actually it'd be pretty depressing to say the least. rarely would i read about something good or even great happening in my life. you'd get the same old blog every time. sure there'd be cool events that happens once in a while, for example this past weekend. but i bet this coming weekend will be crap. i'll be stuck here in Waterloo with nothing better to do but to sit at the computer all day and waste it away. oo fun! but actually this weekend should be studying for finals that are quickly approaching. it's December tomorrow already. seems like 2 weeks ago that the term just started. notice i didn't say yesterday because that is so cliche..and really, i didn't think the term started just yesterday. :)

whenever, i'm studying, it probably brings out the worse in me. it brings out the depressing side of me because of all these stupid thoughts that swirl around in this small head of mine.

thoughts about being in Waterloo; it's not exactly the greatest place to be, and living alone for 2 terms isn't exactly great for my social life either. i spend a lot of time in solitude, i don't get out much, although it may seem that i do. i dunno, i'm just tired of this place, i need a change in scenary. sometimes i wish i was able to transfer to UT, but my marks just aren't there. next term should be better though.

then there's thoughts about relationships and the many potentials. yes i said many. but, it's to the point where it's probably nothing past a crush, thus i just say that i don't like anyone because that's probably the truth. or maybe i just don't want to admit that there's someone out of the fear of rejection. but then there are other complications too that i can't even explain. so don't even try to ask me questions about who i like, who my crushes are, and what are the complications 'cuz you'll get a very simple answer of either: no one or nothing. i don't even know what it's like to be in a relationship anymore. it's been 5yrs since i've been in my first and only relationship and i'm pretty sure that my first wasn't how a relationship should've been like. we were young, immature, and thought we knew what "love" really was. anyway, it's true what they say: life doesn't get any easier, only more complicated, harder. sometimes the best things come when you least expect it.

sometimes i just look around, observing ppl, and i see how happy they are, or how joyful they always seem to be. could be fake happiness mind you. but i wish i could have that true happiness. the sense of having a free spirit with no burdens on my chest. still searching for it. sometimes i really think that the solution would be having someone that really loves you back the way you love them. in other words, a significant other. but wouldn't that be the easy way out? wouldn't that sound desperate? i don't need a girlfriend, it's just another want. ppl have needs, but they have much more wants.

so what is it that i need? what is it that i'm looking for?

lately, i feel like there's something wrong with me, physically. well, i know for sure that my right ankle is totally messed up. i'll have to deal with discomfort there for the rest of my life probably. i can't do some of the things comfortably like i used to so now i have to adapt and change the way i play some sports. i can't play as hard as i'd like to anymore. so that kinda sucks.

another thing is that i've been getting dizzy a lot lately. like when i tilt my head back or when i'm lying down in bed and look straight up to the ceiling or turn my head to the right, my head just starts to spin like crazy and i'd have to turn my head to the left just to stop it. it's scary just to think that there's something seriously wrong in my head.

i don't know.

i feel very out of place right now and it ain't the best feeling in the world. sometimes i would think about just walking and walking until i can't walk no more. whether it be because i've reached my place, my home; whether it be i've reached a wall or a barrier; whether it be getting hit by a car 'cuz i wasn't looking or some other freak accident.

i'm tired and i'm out.