The Easy Answer

How are you? How are you doing? “How you doin’”? ;)

Generic question you hear everyday, isn't it?

For me, the easy answer to that question is, “I’m ok.” With the question repeated back to the sender, “And you?”

The real answer to that question for me and that I do not make known for most people is, “I don’t know.”

Now why is it that I would prefer the “I’m ok” answer to most people? It’s because that’s how we are as humans. That’s how we guard ourselves to the general public, people who we are not that close with. Only would I answer “I don’t know” to those people whom I feel I have a close connection with do I say that, my close trusted friends. Only to those people whom I feel like telling them how I’m really feeling and wouldn’t mind opening up what’s inside of me, to vent, to say what’s on my mind, to express my emotions. My, rather, fluctuating, out of control emotions.

However, this doesn’t mean that I always tell my trusted close friends the real answer. I mean, do you always want to talk about how you’re feeling and all that negative crap? No. It's depressing. Sometimes you would rather keep to yourself first, think things through before you start to tell people. Sometimes it’s not worth telling. “Think before you speak”-kind-of-thing you know?

So, why am I answering this question now, and out of all places, here on BlogSpot, a very public place, where you don't know who views this page on a daily basis? Here's the answer, "Because I want to. I want to stop lying to my friends." And I think most of my friends read this blog. Thus, I think that is a good enough answer. But I do wonder, who are my "devoted readers?" :S

But anyway...

Let’s go back to the question – How are you?

To honestly answer, I’m not happy. That is the honest truth. 2006 ended on a no-so-good note and was just exacerbated in 2007 thus far. It continues.

Why am I all of a sudden sharing this here after that spiel? Well, because I feel like talking about it, but not all of it. Just a sneak peek I guess. It’s personal really, and I’m not going to get into details in what happened to me. I'm going to keep it anonymous, although some of you may know what I'm talking about. However, my request is that you do not ask me about it. If I wanted to tell you, I would have already. All I ask for is that you pray for me, and what you pray for, maybe you can get out of what I have to say here today. That would be good enough for me, and I thank you.

As I have mentioned earlier, 2007 hasn’t got off to a hot start for me. For those people who do not know me well, I am an emotional guy, even though, exteriorly, I may not show it. I look "mean," at least that's what I get most of the time when people tell me what their first impression was. Anyway, something just came up, and it has had a profound affect on me. I was shocked; blind-sided. It was obviously something I didn't want to hear. I feel weak and lost. My dreams just kind of died. I feel like I don’t know what direction I’m going anymore. My sense of hope is still there, but clinging to life. Is hope good? I don’t know.

I just know that I have changed, my behaviour has changed. Maybe changed in a way that I have reverted back to what I once was: closed, pessimistic, depressed, expressionless, and quiet. Someone I don’t like, but it is something I can’t help becoming at the moment. I’ve lost my smile. I’ve become slower (in the sense that everything seems to be going in slow motion), less caring, less talkative, more boring. It’s been a real struggle for me. I've even been losing sleep over it. I can never get to sleep until an hour after I hit the pillow.

I think it has affected some of my friendships too. I think it has affected some of my friendships because I have been withdrawn. I don’t talk as much, and I don’t initiate conversations as much; I just don’t talk much when I’m actually there. I don’t ask questions, and I don’t really try to carry the conversation. I just answer questions, and that’s about it. I would occasionally ask the generic questions like: how are you, what are you up to, etc. For this, I’m sorry to my friends. Here I can really use the cliché phrase, “It’s not you. It’s me.” It really is me. Sorry.

As for affecting work, well it's work. I just try to stay busy. But work does get to the point where, I'm kind of like, "I wonder if anything interesting is going to happen today." I wish I could be a better conversationalist when it comes to strangers. I never know what to say.

I think it’s really going to take me a while to get back to my “usual self” – whatever that is. Sometimes I don’t even really know who I really am. I thought I did. I thought it was when you feel most comfortable with yourself in doing whatever it is you do, and when you don’t care what everyone else thinks. But now, I’m pretty unsure of myself. It’s like my self-esteem took a huge hit, I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy.

I need to take an optimistic look at this really. There are plenty of opportunities out there, but do I really want that. I was already happy with what I had. It was good, not perfect, but nothing is perfect. Only God is perfect. But it made me happy, and looked forward to the future. I need to be able to persevere. It’s what God teaches us in the Bible. Persevere. Love. I really should be happy with what I have right now. I mean, look at where I live, the life that has been given to me, and the people that surround me. It’s all great. I’m lucky. I was luckier, but I guess luck sometimes just runs out. It needs to be recharged in a sense.

Anyway, the more I think about what has happened, the more upset I get because I feel that it is my fault that this is happening to me. I mean, if I didn't allow for certain things to happen, then maybe I wouldn't be in this position. At the end of it all, I really wish I can be a better person. A better brother in Christ. A stronger man in Christ. I just have to pray for the future and that God will reveal His plan for me and lead me. If God allowed me to go back and change things, I would do it in a second and change several decisions and communicated more. Also, I would've prayed a ton more and a lot harder. God is my rock, God is my ruler. God is my king over Heaven and Earth. He is my friend, and He knows what's best for me. I pray that He will give me strength, wisdom, peace with everything, and continue to provide for me. I need Him, I breathe Him.

Furthermore, in 2006, I also hurt my left ankle. I sprained it or something playing in the annual MCBC Thanksgiving Bowl. I messed up my ankle. It hurt like crazy. Now, today, it's a lot better, I don't feel pain anymore, even after re-injuring it in Mexico playing basketball. But my ankle isn't the problem. It's my left knee. Apparently, I also injured my knee during football, probably on the same play. I noticed that I wasn't able to squat at all, without feeling a sharp pain in my knee. It still persists. If I lean on it slightly horizontally, there's pain. If I go down to squat, it hurts. I've left it alone for 4 months, and pain is still there, so I've finally went to see my doctor and got it X-Rayed. I find out my results on January 22 (which is Monday coming up).

Then just to add another kick to the face, I got pretty sick last week that I actually had to take a day and a half off work to recuperate (plus the weekend). I felt pretty horrible at work. I was miserable. I thought I was going to break (though I had before anyway). But the time off work was really good, I wish I could get more time off work. I think we should be working for only 4 days a week and get a 3-day weekend. :P

Well, I guess I've said all I've wanted to say. It's been a while. Actually, that's not true. After writing this post, I'm still not happy, but, not as unhappy as I was before. I don't know if that makes any sense, but, I do kind of feel better. Letting most of it out. Just kind of wished there was a better medium or a better way of doing that.

Please pray for me.

So, how are you? :)